Sometimes you think you've lose absolutely everything that could ever matter to you...you think that there isn't anything left to lose, you feel free and you feel fine...you feel like there is hope for you after all the shit you've been through. But the problem is that there is always something left to lose, something you didn't realize you loved that much, needed that much, something that may not even matter or seem important to anyone else, but the prospect of life without it makes you sick to your stomach just to think of it. When you lose that, it all seems like it's over. But it isn't over. It's never over. There is always something left to lose.

'yesterdays' news: Wow, this brings a whole new meaning to light for "perfect drug." I've never taken it so literally before...but I really have found my perfect drug. It isn't anything I thought it was. It is pure and simple. Beautiful. Right.

moldy but true: how perfect is my drug, if it doesn't save me from this? how much have i built myself up to knock myself down on purpose? how often am i going to ask myself questions i cant answer? how much of this is my fault? is it all my fault? you know, i rather think it is. i think somewhere deep down i wanted this, needed this, needed to set myself free. now im free...as free as i could make myself, and getting freer every second. am i so eager to get locked up again, stuck back where i was? i dont think thats possible anymore. i could get locked into a situation, but i would never accept it in my mind again. i know better, feel more, am prepared against it. naivety again has died. if it was ever necessary, it isnt now.

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-really old news-

the world turns around when you you least expect it, when you finally think you understand the way things work. i understood this foundational truth: i would always come down. i would always fall. happiness would always end. now i understand a new truth: i can stay here. float and coast and fly along at 50,000ft. not gonna crash, not gonna burn. not gonna die. dont have to. dont need to. most importantly: dont want to. i can do what i want, listen to what i want, BE who i want. he cant see me, he doesnt matter. no one matters except the people who should matter to me, which are the people who care about me and are there for me. even my parents are floating now because of me. i like not being grounded, i like having the good grades, i like being good. or rather, being bad and not being caught EVER. ive discovered the trick. you have to die inside. when the part of you that hated yourself dies, you can live. when you kill that little autopilot in your head, you take the wheel on your own life and you stop crashing. you can stay up here. up here, we all float.sometimes its just over. there's no way to describe it, no way to make it reasonable. no way to make it make sense.

sometimes its over, and you have to deal with it or break down. i feel like im breaking down. i feel it ending. i feel it slowly slipping away. i can actually feel it drain. ive been in pain for days, and just the thought of losing this is making me lose whatever i would have left. how could i have let it get this far? sometimes its over...and im breaking down.