- old 'never' -

Lots of songs belong here...most of them stabbing westward songs, but you know the feeling. Everyone knows the feeling. That stinging stupid feeling of trusting someone who told you "forever" and didn't think what it would mean if it wasn't true.

And now it means something else too, something I didn't even know was my sunshine. I didn't know what to do when I left...but I knew where to go. Now it's closed to me. Now what? Now what do I fucking do in the dark like this?

All sunshine analogies aside, all cutesy-ness and webpage-ness and everything else, all drama aside, this hurts. I mean, this HURTS, like physically, it's a tearing...I feel like a part of me was ripped away. When I got kicked out I could always go home eventually, but there isn't any lifting on this. There isn't any hope. I've had friends in the same situation, but it didn't hurt them as much as me. When shit like this happened to me before, that's where I'd GO. That's where I'd fucking go. Now where do I go when shit hurts? Where do I go to deal with this? Where else is there like that? There isn't anywhere. It's just over. It's done with. I can't believe I was that stupid, I'm always the one telling everyone else "no, no, never from anywhere you respect...I could never deal with not being able to be here...here is my life, my womb, where I feel safe, where I come to roll...I love it here...it's my life here"

I'm safe here.

But I can't...I'm not...it isn't safe there anymore. It's all done with, all over, all fucked up...I can't even end this with anything good.