Without advertisements I would never have known that wearing a particular brand of jeans would aid me in fighting crime and a particular brand of cologne would win me a girlfriend willing tp partake in threesomes including me and her supermodel friends.

Of course advertisements have given me their fair share of sadness and trauma as well. Because of advertisements I constantly fear that a white rabbit may steal my cereal. When I see an irish midget (with a clover on his hat) I find myself overwhelmed with the desire to chase after him and claim his lucky charms as my own.

Just as these advertisements have revealed unto me the secrets of gaining friends, women, money, and promotions (Among other things), these advertisements have also set me apart. Because of my understanding that at any moment I may miss an advertisement of some product I can not live without, I rarely leave my home anymore. I have developed an addiction. I can not go long without the colorful, flickering rays of my television set--my plug-in god, if you will. If I stay away from the television I break out in hives just before suffering from a seizure.

For these reasons I have begun to seriously consider checking myself into the Zenith of Magnovox clinic. According to their commercials I have fantasy-perfect, bikini-clad women waiting for me at either one.