"The key to immortality is to have the love of an artist.
I plan to be immortal."~Emily G.(7/4/99)

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::crucifiction:asphyxiation:wrist slitting:job quiting:broken harte:shopping cart:dieing pleas:tolls and fees:pool of blood:fading love:push and shove:dirty punks: buddist monks:pretentious goth:blackish cloth:my world:sanity hurled:crazy girl:blackend pearl:thorn on rose:bleeding nose:purplish blue:what to do?:little dog boy:little lost toy:lost meaning:love weaning:hole in skin:burning in:long blond hair:cold long stare:no more for me:just let me be::

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I fall to dust

standing in the shadow of a cloud
I held your hands, the sky almost light
looking into your flooded eyes
i tried to tell you it was alright
we'd be together again
a cool breese slipped through my hair
and carried your plea to stay
then it moved the cover cloud away

then I fell to dust

the sky was aflame with a dawning sun
a breese picked me up, I scattered away .......
and one last time i called your name
you watched with a tear in your eye...
with my last breath i regained my form
one last kiss i could not deny
your tear-stained cheek soft and warm
before the I was ripped away again

I fall to dust (repeated)

and i disapeared into oblivion....
leaving my heart-wrenched lover to
weep his loss....
don't cry my angel
we will meet again in heaven...

I fall to dust (repeated)

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3/28/98

"I want you to come into the other room with me."

All of a sudden, the whole room falls silent. All eyes
focused on the two by the side wall.

Looking up to see her superior glaring down at her, the girl slowly stands up, leveling their eyes.

Not a word is murmured between the rest of us.

Pausing only a second to lock eyes, she slowly turns and
walks out the door, followed by her elder.

Glances dart around the room, bouncing off each other. A few seconds later the room explodeds with a nervous chatter. Comforting each other with petty conversations, the others talk about anything other than what is at hand.

Over the hum of the room, I hear something heavy hit the floor in the next room. Wanting to deny what i know is happening, I put my hands to my face.

Everyone smiles and pretends not to hear anything over their own unstoppable voices.

Their ramblings continue as I watch her limp slowly back into the room with what ever pride she has left. Her eyes anxiously dart around to see if anyone had noticed. They don't connect with anyone else's eyes but mine. She smiles to hide her embrassment, trying to convince me that, "Nothing happened. I'm fine,....really."

I smile in return and join the chatter of the room.
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Little Corner of Gloom

Silence is the saddest thing
in my little corner of gloom
door opens
door closes
not a word
in my little corner of gloom
no beat
no rythme
in my chamber
in my chamber for you.

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What I Had Before

A new love
i don't want
A new life
i can't take
A new scar
I won't make
it was fate that brought us together
it was temptation that tore us apart
All i want is what i had
Cross my hurt
and hope to die

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The Fertile Woman's Incubus

Waking up to bloody sheets
listening to midnight streets
it's quiet here, I'm not alone
towel and carpet with blood my own
I don't choose this twisted mate
merrily along to his endless date
I cramp in pain, my eyes of fear
I pray that heaven soon be near
bloody footprints lead from me
my mom and sister he doth see
every month, just one week
every woman he doth seek
waking up to bloody sheets
listening to empty streets...
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TheThreeofUs

Iofferthepromiseoflovewhileyouofferthepromiseofsex.
Bothsuccubi,whichofuswillwin?
Weshallsoonsee.

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To the Wanna Be Cat

I feel honored to have been in your presence,
to be concidered your friend.
I only now wish that i could tell you how much I love you,
but now you are gone to some distant place called Santa Fe,
I may never see you or hear your soothing voice agian,
but i hear your thoughts in your poems,
and each time i read them
i fall more in love with them
where ever you are, i hope you know
that in friendship, i love you very much

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My Visit to the mall

 Mothers steering their children away from me as i walk by. I feel a sense of glee. Girls with long curly, blonde hair and too much make up start to whisper as i pass. My pace is smooth and steady. Walking into the food court, I smell delicious fat and grease. Into a new audience. I am spotted by a group of black men. Eyed suspiciously, they don't know what to make of me. I giggle to myself. Into the arcade. People that are too busy with the games they play to notice what looms behind them. No one of any real intrest, anyway. Gliding along I look at what all the stores have to offer me. People wondering if I'm dangerous, if I will lunge for their throats any minute. Of coarse not, the real ones to worry about look perfectly normal. "I dress this way just to keep them at bay, because Halloween is everyday."

 I've enjoyed all the looks except for one. One frail, frightened old man. His stare is so unsettling. So unlike the others. I need to leave here! I walk swiftly from that spot, out of his veiw. Relief!......I think I will go home now.

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i breath in the salty sea air
in my phantom ship lair
gliding through the empty skies
I remember. I close my eyes
letting the ghost winds blow
hills & valleys of snow
letting the darkness take hold
in your hands i mold.....

winds blow hard and strong
i've been gone to long
destination straight & true
as i sail closer towards you

................and the beauty of it all came crashing down upon the city....

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"People are dumb."
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heavy, my eyes close

clear, gone, sad,
unknown
empty
no feelings
deserted mind
hollow grave

time ticks
with the bomb
5:45am clock set to
end all
made to quicken the release

floating
clear
astral plain.........
i land on flat ground
sand between my naked toes
i feel
cool breeze
desert night
empty stomach
finnally alone

quiet

only wind blows in my ears
but they bring familar voices
of sleeping friends
passing by

look down to see
blue streams in my arms
connect with those on the ground
Salvador Dali

i look up to the empty sky
i am sucked up
into the clear
faster into a skin wall
I hit, my eyes open
and i breath once more...........


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   It was 10:30 when i retired to my bed. Thinking of all that the things thar lay ahead of me for the next day. Slipping between the sheets, I gently click the lights off. Suddenly, I'm aware of my surroundings. Tonight, for some reason is different from the rest. No words can describe...... My muscles tense, senses double. This feels like some moment before a Rapture. I'm not alone in my room. Aware of my fate, I think back to all my love ones, and how i will miss them....What will they think of me? How could i explain...this?....What would i do to them? Dear God! Why are you going to let this happen!? Is this some punishment for my obbsession? Please, at least grant me sleep! He wishes to push his fate on to me! Make him go away!  My mind is to alert now to ever think of sleep. While he just stands somewhere in my room watching me. I want to scream for someone, anyone familiar to me.
   Wishing to regain some of my sanity, I turn on the light. Not fully consoled, but needing sleep, I shut my eyes.......HE moves closer! DEVIL! It feels like he is right next to my bed! To terrified, I am not able open my eyes.   So,this is my fate. This is the end of what i knew. No escapes. You will become the monster you always wished you were. A living damnation, I am ready.
  Gone?! He is gone?!.....He SPARED me?!........Why?...No, I won't ask that question. Just be glad that he or who ever it was, did.  Now it is late, if I don't get sleep, I really will be a living dead tomorrow.
  It is all so real to me, but then again, even madmen claim thier own sanity.

~Emily
das ungeheuer
das traumer
das engel

My name is Legion

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Train of thought and a memory

no insperation to write tonight
my feet are cold
i wish i was on that silent flight
my handwritting is odd tonight
I miss my sweaty, fencer, kick my ass, poet, blond, kitty.
i should be in bed
it's cold
I remember Clay talking about a Winter storm this weekend
I'm Hungry
it's to late to go downstairs to get something to eat
I wonder if i'll be able to read this handwritting tomorrow
god, i can't spell
weird how i didn't capitalize "god"
I ususally do,
This handwritting reminds me of third grade
Lemme get some socks on so my feet won't get cold while i write
better
*sigh*
In PJ's Coffee shop, you sat there with me and our other Friends. All of us covered with sweat and heat radiating off of us, yet still smiling, laughing, full of energy, though that could have been from the coffee. Our endorphines were blasting from our hour and a half of bouts and foil round robins, and the brisk jog around the school. Now as I sat with all of you and the coffee I bumed money for, i was truely,simply, happy. We all giggle while stealing cream and raw sugar from the coffee counter. I really think it was the caffine that made it so funny. FUN! All of us were hyper, but my watch had to tick on and after all you and I DO have homework. We hugged the others goodbye. Your Stella, who came to watch you fence, accompainied us out. We said goodbye and she hopped in her car and drove away. You unlocked the door and i stepped up into your Truck-like vehicle and fastened my seatbelt and relaxed. The coffee slowly wearing off.. Enjoying the smell of yourcar, the lights outside the window, and the cool night air. you started the ignition and your tape of "RENT" comes on. On the expressway, i look at the lights of the on coming city. My city. The lights danced all around your face. I sighed contently and sleeply. Around the superdome i shut my eyes trusting you completely. You tell me of your game "Call of Cthulhu" sounds interesting, but wouldn't you rather just a simple game of vampire?

I remember all the times.....
coming home from fencing, and you scolding me for being a bad girl in my relationships ( i loved how you always acted like my daddy...... and were surprised by what i told you i did), after x-mas shopping, terot card creative games, Books-A-Million with the over sugared chocolate cookie, Le Femme Nakita, and Tampopo... i could go on but i won't....
my beloved kitty,
purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

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Damn, I've got issues.

Well, if that wasn't angst in a jar. . .


Deux ex machina

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copy right 1999 Emily-is-a-vixen Inc.

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