That last sentence. That's what I meant.

Yay, we're on the same page.

I've been stressed lately. So if I am not making as much sense or it takes me longer to get on tract, forgive me.

i am much like Minty with the comforting and my own emotional walls. If I don't have a connection to the person or haven't experienced what the person has then it can be much harder for me to sympathize. I think that is why I want to work as a therapist for the LGBT community. I can sympathize and understand that.

I never know what to say in situations involving death or inevitability. My personal feelings are that it is just that, inevitable, and that is all there really is to it. You have to just experience and work through your grief and move on. However that sort of response is not socially acceptable, so all too often I find myself reciting "I'm so sorry for your loss" like an old, sick parrot. I'm pretty good with "psychological" situations such as family problems, boyfriends/girlfriends, etc., but when it comes to something such as sickness, death or accidents I'm at a loss.

Personally I would rather have silence, or simply a comforting presence, than a person giving me the whole "I'm so sorry for your loss", with no meaning behind their words.

You try looking up some resources on active listening. Its a really useful tool for establishing empathy. It can be tough to know how to help someone feel safe and comforted. The active listening is just something you can try to catalyze things.

I know how to listen to someone who has a problem its just I have no qlue what to say in response. you see the thing is my friend doesnt really like to talk about it untill shes calm about the subject which is usully the next day so the next day when she feels like talking Im all ears

-- Sun Dec 11, 2011 10:50 am --



Im the same way when it comes to deaths in the family . I dont like saying 'im sorry' because it was bound to happen anyway and besides its not like I killed their loved one (I feel like that sounded kind of harsh).

My first reaction is to ask the upset person,

"Do you need a hug?" Most people say no, but I know that when I'm upset a hug makes it seem like the person cares. Of course guys always say no, but after a while some people do take me up on the offer.

After that I listen to what they're saying and if I agree with them I go, "Yeah, I completely understand. Yeah. No, it's okay...aw I'm sorry...etc". If not I'll say, "Well how would you feel if..." or "Well maybe if you..." I always make sure I say that I understand (unless I don't) because it makes the upset person feel like you really see their point of view.

And most people like to talk to me if they're upset. Unless they did something that they know I would be mad at them about (like being violent with someone for no reason and refusing to apologize). Meh, actually, even then I might try to make them feel better.

I don't know, I feel bad if I see someone crying. Even if I don't know the person I ask them if they're okay and whatnot. Haha, my friends used to call me "Queen comforter". Still give me giggles.

Oh, and when someone dies I never really say "I'm sorry" because most times I'm not sorry that the person died, but that whoever is talking to me is upset. I feel bad that they feel bad. I'll usually say, "Oh no!" or "that's not good. I hope you feel better."

That's how I am. I'm too blunt and don't have a compassionate bone in my body. I have the same response of "people die... shit happens" quite often, and get into many arguments because of it. I need to learn how to be sympathetic, or at least learn some tact.

That's why I'm so awkward when people start blabbering and crying around me. I don't really understand crying- there's no logic to it. Sorry if I offend anyone here- not my intention. Kinda gives me a cold hearted reputation. It's why I've also been known to crack a few morbid jokes at times, and have the whole situation turn into a nightmare...

I'm good at calming people down, but comforting them? I struggle greatly. I'm better at solving arguments than tears...

Hm, how so? I'm assuming you're not an easy crier...

I'd argue against that. It's a healthy, natural outlet for negative emotions. Crying may not have a vital biological purpose, but it can help relieve stressful feelings. I might be misinterpreting your opinion, though, and if I am, please feel free to correct me and elaborate.

I don't feel as though I'm competent at comforting people. I just listen and provide input only when they ask for it. If they're a friend of mine, then I'll offer to take them out for dinner or whatever thy want to do, just to show that someone is there for them.

It's kind of ironic, how I feel stupid when comforting people and people continue to come to me. I, like many other students on my campus, smoke. I could probably name all of the smokers in my dorm. If they see me outside when they come out for a smoke break, they'll ask if they can vent for a bit. I don't mind; I'd much rather listen than talk.

Regarding crying...

Tears are brain pee. Same as relieving the bladder: When you've gotta go, you've gotta go. And when you're full of woe, tears gotta flow.

As for how I comfort someone... I don't know if I'm very good at that. I mostly just listen and try to anticipate needs.

I don't mind if a friend brain pees on me.

-- Nephele

Lol, what gave me away? I dunno, I just find it rather hard to grasp the concept of crying- it doesn't really achieve much apart from people making a fuss. That's just my opinion.


Fair enough point. I just fail to understand how it helps relieve stressful feelings. Forgive my ignorance on the matter, but I just don't really understand crying.

Which is why I'm pretty useless when it comes to people crying. Had an incident today where a friend was blabbering. Being myself, I kinda just sat there not quite knowing how to respond. Due to my tactless approach to many problems, I've kinda learnt to keep my mouth shut. Meh, I'm a good listener and all, but not when tears come into play.

I could see that, especially if you don't cry very often or feel that it's necessary for you to feel better. Different people express their emotions in different ways. Tears can even express different emotions. I am the kind of person who doesn't cry when she's sad. When I'm sad I just feel sad. I have no urge to cry, just frown a little bit.

But when I get mad or angry, for some reason the tears come flying. I don't know why, I hate myself after I do it (because to others it makes you seem "weak" or a "cry baby") and it makes no sense, but I just do it. I know some people who cry when they are jealous, never when they or sad or upset. Some cry when they are happy, some cry for every intense emotion (love, fear, sadness, anger. etc.), and some don't cry at all. It's all different depending on the person.

But there's no set reason or logic behind the things we do when we are upset (like punching a wall when you're pissed off), we just do them because for some odd, illogicall reason, they make us feel better.

I know if you have a hard time picturing another person's point of view or emotions, it will be hard for you to be compassionate or relate to someone when they are upset. And there's nothing wrong with that. I would just not talk to someone when they were upset if that was the case (which I'm not saying it is with you, Deafening, I'm just speculating)

I think Elphie has the right of it regarding 'brain pee'(new favourite word!) and building pressure. I'm sure there's probably a medical explaination, but I haven't looked one up.

Over the years I've taught myself to hide my emotions(especially crying, I only do it at funerals) so if I happen to break down and cry people look at me like I'm pissing a rainbow. My older cousin(she's the oldest grandchild, I'm the second oldest out of....15?) is the only person I can't hide my tears from. She always has this way of letting someone cry on her shoulder and stroking your hair that makes you feel like everything's going to be okay. I'm the oldest out of my mom's four kids, so I'm used to comforting my younger siblings, albeit awkwardly. I wish I could say that I remember my mom holding me and comforting me growing up, but it is what it is.

I tend to either joke with people to aleviate their worries or brainstorm solutions, no matter how odd or illogical. If I'm in person, I can't resist a HUGE HUG, though. Hugs do so much more than mere words ever could.

ETA~ Just as with the bladder, it's bad to let too much brain pee build up.

I agree about the hugs. There are somethings that words just aren't good enough for- emotions that no word known to man can accurately describe. Oftentimes, touch says more than any word ever could.

Oh, and I agree about the crying too. I cry sometimes. It's a natural reaction and sometimes it just has to happen. I don't like to cry in front of people and there are only two people I can really cry in front of.