I was with my best friend and out of no where she just starting crying (boyfriend troubles). Me being the akward person that I am I just gave her a light pat on the shoulder and said things like 'there there' or 'it'll be ok' (it made her laugh because she knows I have no what to do in a situation like this). It got really quiet and all I could hear was her sobing and I felt really bad so I just started to talk about knitting (I decided to take up knitting a few days before so thats where the topic came from). I just talked about all the things I could knit for her like a wristband or a pillowcase etc (lame I know, but I was desperate) to fill the silence.

anywho the point to this is that I suck at comforting people and I was wondering what you do if a friend, relative, boy/girlfriend etc. is feeling down, or are you awkward like me?

stories are welcome (:

I'd most likely do exactly what you did, and if it didn't help them any I wouldn't beat myself up about it afterward. Your friend laughing about it is something you shouldn't be worried about too much either.

The fact that you tried is what counts . . . at least to me.

My friends, being veterans of the internet, tend to have horribly angry and hyperbolic reactions to someone being wrong.

So I say the opposite of what is helpful, they get pissed off and construct a logical arguement as to why they should feel better. Then I smirk at them.

Never fails.

I suck at comforting people.

I am a realist. It is hard for me to say things like 'sorry so and so died..." because really...it's biology. People die...shit happens.

I think maybe some of our troubles stem from not being about to see past the current situation. When a boyfriend or loved one hurts you (or whatnot) it can be hard to look past that and imagine how life will look in 5 or 10 years with any sort of positive ideas.

The reality is that pain doesn't last forever. It numbs with time. I learned in Biopsychology that the only thing the brain cannot recall is pain. You will never remember or 'feel' the exact pain you felt in the past through a memory. You can remember the painful situation, but not the pain itself.

So when you look toward the future I think it's best to remember that the pain will never be remembered and relived the same way. It is important to remember that humans are adaptable and we can adjust to change quickly. That we bounce back, even when we don't want to.

Of course, I don't any of this is encouraging in the moment. Most just want to be lied to or told that everything will be fine (even if the reality is that the person will lose everything because of the event.

That is why I suck at comfort. I tend to tell it like it is. I can be there. I can try to make you feel better, but overall I thinking 'this like everything else will pass, be it for better worse, it will pass.'

I need to learn to be more sympathetic. I care about some things more than others. I feel awkward in situations that I feel useless in, where facts, statistics, etc... mean nothing to the emotion tragedy playing within the mind.

I am hoping Psychology helps me to achieve better understanding and sympathy toward emotional outbursts. I want to help people. I'm trying to learn how.

Arq, by the way, is genius.

Arq also remembers pain quite specifically....

We all remember pain. It's how we deal with it that counts. I didn't see that until I spent about 8-9 months in my small town that I grew up in again. I had to go back to the root of where the majority of my issues started in order to fix them.

As much as it was fucking painful to work through, I'm glad I did. Now, if nothing else I've found some peace.

Hmm... I should try that sometime

Many of my friends have mental issues. One in particular, D, is having a hard time right now. He suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder. When he "shifts", so to speak, it almost always ends up with "him" breaking down completely.
This means that I often have to listen about his thougts of killing himself, that no one loves him, his parents wished he was dead, he's not worth anything ... it's hard to listen to, and it's even harder when I'm not even there. I'm sitting behind a monitor. And then, suddenly, he's back to being himself again, all bubbly and happy. It's quite disturbing, actually.

So, yeah ... I'll comfort him. I'm not that great at handling these sort of things, I can't really tune into how other people feel. I have been through a lot of things, and yes, after a while you forget how painful it really was. But I hate when people just try to pat my back a bit, and just tells me that it's going to be okay. I know it will, but it doesn't change anything right when it happens. Sometimes all you really need is to tell another person about it. I don't say anything while people do this, I just listen.
And you know what? It helps the people I know. It makes them see that it's not all bad, because they do have at least one friend that cares.

I used to, most likely suffer from a mild form of that. I had a female friend,who sadly but understandably, won't talk to me anymore. She left me because I'd be cool one minute than depressing for five. She couldn't handle the constant rollercoaster. That girl was my best friend... and quite potentially a good candidate for my "soulmate."

I miss her every day, though it's because I've lost her for pretty much forever that I really started on my path to change myself.

Wolfie does, too.

*hugz*

Midi, perhaps by the lack of the brain recalling pain that is what makes one tear up over the same things time after time?

I also comfort myself and others by telling them that what is happening is temporary. That thought is the only thing that gets me trough tough times, usually. Well, that and my own little morbid comfort of knowing that if things ever get really, really bad there's plenty of rope and trees around. But if I play that card I can't comfort myself with it in the future.

At times the sad person may want advice, but other times it's just enough for you to just be there listening and no more than that.

It depends the situation but over all the person usually wants comfort by knowing that they aren't alone. A good hug can make someone feel good. If it is a good friend then tell them that you are there for them, if it is just an acquaintance then try to assure them that everything will be fine. A hug and a smile goes a long way.

I believe we tear up when we think about past hurts because the memory vrings back the pain, but as for the physical pain itself- that is something we don't remember. It can be brought back, but not thought about and remember the exact way it felt. Like getting a tattoo. You can remember it hurt. If you think hard enough you may be able to recreate that pain in the present but you can't remember it per se. At least that is what I'm being taught through my psychology teacher. According to Biological Psychology you are not remembering the pain, but the painful situation, which makes you feel pain all over again. You are not remembering the 'pain' of that past, the pain is simply being renewed by the memory.

Comforting someone is not an exact science. You have to act differently with every person. In my case, if it's my best friend who has troubles I bring him some beer or vodka and some cigarettes, and I just wait 'till he talks on his own, because he has a quick temper and likes to punch walls when he's mad.
If there are other friends, especially female friends, it's easier to talk to them about what got them upset.
I think it's enough to just be there and listen, but giving some good advice is a big plus.

I'm rubbish at comforting people... I just don't know how to do it.

I remember when my uncle came to tell my Nan that her youngest (and favourite) son had been killed in a car accident, naturally she was devastated, but I felt nothing. I didn't know him and had only met him a handful of times as a kid and I didn't know how to respond. I ended up doing a typically English thing... I made tea! I could think of nothing else to do, except that. I didn't want to pretend to be upset, but then I also didn't want to come across as a cold bitch either (the classic rock and a hard place).

Even when my Grandad died I didn't cry, until I saw my Dad crying and then I did... not out of sorrow for my grandfather, but that my Dad was in pain. Situations where people need comforting are very awkward for me as I have no real life experience to draw on for help... I've never been in a bad relationship or had a child (so can't empathise with maternal instincts), neither have I lost someone close to me through illness (like cancer). My Nana died quickly and didn't want to be alive anyway, so part of me was glad that she was no longer alive and in pain anymore. I have no siblings, and my extended family are not close in any way (which suits me just fine as I don't like 90% of my family anyway lol).

Like Midi I tend to see the realism in situations... especially regarding death, after all we all have to face that one day.

As cold as it sounds, unless it personally affects my Mum and Dad I tend to not know how to react, so I say the things I feel I'm meant to say (even though I have no idea if they help or not... like saying sorry when you hear that someone has died, etc).