These made me laugh, but I had to debate 'em, 'cause I'm a bastahd like that (and because I'm still secretly hoping a ton of Picard fans out-vote Kirk at the last second). Buuuuuut...
It's James T. Kirk, folks, captain of the Enterprise. I mean:
-Got the salt sucked out of him.
I call that "inadequate security preparations". That's what redshirts are for. Had security been on the ball, that thing wouldn't have gotten near
Kirk to begin with.
-Split in 2 by the transporter into a good one and an evil one.
And the "good" one was a pussy.
-Spun into an android duplicate.
So were Bill and Ted. That doesn't impress me. The best android ever will always be Data.
Come to think of it, wasn't the android Kirk destroyed after doing something very un-Kirk like: refusing a make-out session
with the hot female android (who was wearing this
at the time)?
-Pulled "Corbomite" out of his butt just in time.
That I give him props for. Exceptional
bluffing skills. Kirk's a good roleplayer. He knows "charisma" isn't just a dump stat
-Fought a Gorn. And won.
Awesome as that episode was, Star Trek Online
kind of ruins this. I've fought several
Gorn. They're pushovers. C'mon, they toss big rocks
at you! (Though, it is pretty funny to watch a big Gorn bruiser bend down, rip out part of the floor
and hurl it at you.) I give him props for the "makeshift gun", but winning against a Gorn alone isn't that special to me. I'd rather pit Kirk against a Borg cube
and see how he'd handle that
-Jumps through the Guardian, but oh, Edith Keeler must die.
That I definitely give him. Damn good episode, one of the best. Episode gets me in tears every time.
-Fought Spock. And lost.
. All Vulcans take a level in "bad-ass". Hell, Ben Sisko lost to a bunch of Vulcans in baseball
(his favorite sport; though, he made it look like a victory by celebrating his defeat, thoroughly confusing the hell out of his Vulcan adversaries).
-Slips into a parallel universe and deals with evil Spock. (Tranporter again.)
Great episode, but I like watching Kira Nerys "deal" (*snicker*)
with her alternate much
-Gets radiated and gets old.
Lame. Picard went through a transporter accident and got younger
. (Granted, it wasn't like he could've gotten any older... Oh. Wait
-Becomes a drill thrull.
-Takes on the Roman empire.
Twentieth century Romans. I give him credit for that. Good episode.
-Surgically altered to look like a Romulan.
So were Picard, Data and Troi. Once freakin' Troi
has done something, it loses its cool (and they were altered to look like the brow-ridged Romulans, too, so I give them extra props for putting up with shitty wardrobe).
-Stuck between dimensions, not that the Tholians cared.
Tholians aren't as restricted to one dimension as we are. Check out the follow-up Enterprise
episodes explaining what happened to the U.S.S. Defiant
after Kirk watched it disappear into the interphase. (Spoiler for ya: it winds up being captured by Enterprise-era Tholians in the Mirror Universe. The Terran Empire manages to get their hands on it and it jump-starts their technological progress by about eight decades and leads to the coronation of a new Terran Emperor. In other words, the events of "Mirror, Mirror" might've gone
totally differently for our Kirk, had the
Defiant not been lost. Damn Tholians.)
Again, this one I give to Kirk.
-Threatens to spank the Dohlman of Elas. (Wish they would have done that...)
-Tortured to see if an empath will play ball.
Gotta admit, nobody gets tortured like Kirk. Well, except for Picard
... (There's just something extra-chilling about a Cardassian torturer who brings his daughter to work with him so she can see what happens to enemies of the state.)
-Body inhabited by an insane woman.
While he inhabited hers, sexually confusing male Trekkies for decades.
Folks, there's no other captain who would even sniff this kind of crap let alone jump in it and roll around. I'm sorry, but it's Kirk who went where no one went before. Kirk FOREVER.
Again, I've got to argue that one. Compare what Kirk went through in three years versus some of the shit Picard went through - being accused of being a traitor by a Starfleet conspiracy, assimilation by the Borg (which alone trumps anything Kirk dealt with), having to relive the loss of his last ship and the ensuing court martial, time-travel on multiple occasions (including several times within the same episode), having an alien probe dump an entire lifetime of events into his mind, having one of his favored officers betray him, being captured and tortured by the Cardassians - and Kirk's missions seem to be the norm for Starfleet.
Moreover, Kirk did all this in full denial
of the power of death. What do I mean by this? Let's examine Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
. The entire point of the film was that Kirk had flatly refused
to accept death as a possibility during his entire career. He cheated his way out of the Kobayashi Maru because he couldn't deal with that notion; Starfleet gave him props for "original thinking" when they should've tossed him into counseling to deal with that denial. (Notice how the Kobayashi Maru's programmer, Commander Spock, calls Kirk out on that in Abrams' film? Something tells me that had Spock been programming the Kobayashi Maru when Kirk was a cadet in the Prime universe instead of serving under Captain Pike aboard the Enterprise
at the time, Kirk probably would've gotten kicked out of the Academy.) Kirk even loses family members
during the original series and still
lives in denial of death. He doesn't truly face it until Spock sacrifices himself to save the Enterprise
from a bloodthirsty genetically-enhanced psychopath with revenge fantasies and a massive superiority complex.
Compare this to Picard. Just before he graduated from Starfleet Academy, Picard got into a barfight with some big, tough bruisers from a race of Predator-wannabes. One of them stabs Picard through the heart
from behind, and as Picard starts to die his only response is to laugh
. He is just barely
saved from death and given an artificial heart (hmm, maybe that
explains why he doesn't like children...). Unlike Kirk, he faced
death head-on before ever leaving Starfleet Academy, and it shaped the man he would become in dramatic ways. As a Starfleet officer, Picard lived in the moment, never once taking life for granted. When other science officers were happy puttering about in their labs, Picard volunteered for every Away Mission, especially
the most dangerous ones. He put himself in harm's way time and time again to get the missions done, and Starfleet rewarded this bravery by offering him command (even after a court martial
that nearly ruined his career and had him questioning his place in Starfleet for nine years
before taking command of the Enterprise
-D). He woke up every day hearing an artificial heart beating in his chest, knowing that he should have died, that any
hit to his chest could screw up how his artificial heart works, that any firefight on some random planet or disaster aboard his ship could be his final mission.
Hell, compare both Kirk and Picard to the other Starfleet captains we've seen on screen - Sisko (messiah to an alien race), Janeway (stuck in the Borg's backyard for seven years) and Archer (don't even get me started
) - and we see that the abnormal is normal in Starfleet.
And yes, I realize that Kirk came before
Picard on television, but big whoop
. If NBC had thought better of the original
pilot episode, we wouldn't be talking about Kirk at all
. We'd all be comparing Picard to Jeffrey Hunter's Captain Pike instead.