Breaking up every time you have a disagreement just doesn't sound healthy for a relationship at all. I heard once that after you marry things such as divorce and separation should not a a part of your vocabulary or mind set.

My ex and I, believe it or not, rarely really fought. However, when he got angry he would really lose it. He would throw things, put wholes in the walls, throw furniture, rip things off the wall, curse me out and tell me how horrible I was, etc...my ex angry was not a pretty sight at all. Once he became addicted to alcohol the outbursts got worse with shorter spaces in between tantrums.

Aside from this, though, we honestly didn't fight but rarely. It was sad to see such a great relationship slowly die, watching it die, and not knowing how to fix it. At one time we talked about everything and anything. If we had a disagreement we tackled it like a debate and worked through it, even if it meant agreeing to disagree. We had our daughter and life was great. In all honestly the time after we had had Noelani was the best of my life.

Then, when I was 7 months pregnant my sister got her kids taken away. I am a very family oriented person so my ex and I decided we had no choice but to help her get her kids back- which meant keeping them in the family while she fought for them (so as to avoid a custody battle). We were the only ones in my family eligible to do it, so we did. Before I knew it we were taking care of 4 children, all under the age of 3 years old (my 18 month old, my sister's six month old, my newborn, and my sister's 2 year old.).

To deal with the stress, my ex stayed away all the time. He worked as much as possible to stay away from home away from all the screaming and such. He also started drinking. Granted he drank before, but he didn't do it often. So I was there, I rarely left the house with the kids. If anything was needed, my ex jumped to go do it before I could, saying it would be easier for him than for me. I became heavily depressed and took to playing around on the computer for solace and coping with my loneliness.

This went on and got progressively worse as time passed. Finally the day came that my sister got her kids back (which was helped by us since we backed her up in court). After she got them back we had grown so far apart, had almost stopped talking to each other so completely that we just couldn't fill the gap.

We tried. Many times. But with everyday that passed that we couldn't fix the marriage he got more into alcohol and hiding things from me. I grew more lonely day by day and blamed him for it which caused me to dislike him even being near me- yet alone touch me.

It was a long road to be where I am now. In all honestly, though it is extremely easy to call him my ex, the thought of divorce still fills me with dread for many reasons. However sometimes shit happens that you can't change. If I could go back I might very well tell my thankless sister (who later refused to talk to me because of how close I was to her kids among other reasons) to shove it up her ass and do it all on her own. But that's not life.

So though I do not like the idea of divorce fixing your problems (and it doesn't, not really) sometimes it is needed in order to find yourself again and be happy. Now I will be completely honest. I am miserable right now. My ex has my precious cats and my dog (grandma doesn't like animals) and I am living with my grandparents again (a fate worse than death as far as I am concerned). I am jobless (having only known how to be a housewife since marriage) and carless until I get my car back (which should be soon. I have no freedom to do anything (even watch the kind of tv shows and movies I like unless in my room on the computer).

However, despite how awful my circumstances are right now, I cannot help but feel I did make the right decision in leaving. My ex is acting like himself again and I no longer feel like I'm just a bedwarmer. I am now talking to a good man (Glenn) who likes me for the me I am now and shares my beliefs. Will it last? I don't know. (I'd like to hope so though). I don't know anything right now, especially with my ex wanting us to start dating again and take it extremely slowly. So yeah, relationships suck. Nothing is ever easy, relationships and knowing what is best is, I think, hardest of all.

I do not know what the future holds for me. Life is full of confusion right now. So much so that even my dreams are now being corrupted by my worries, doubts, and fears.

So now everyone knows what is going on in my relationships. Its not pretty.

Midi - the minute he'd starting throwing furniture and punching holes through walls, I'd have been out of there. FAST. But I know, you've got to figure out a whole scenario, what to do as far as the children are concerned, etc. I remember times when my father would lose it and snarl or yell - one time he even shook a hammer at my mom. One time when his car wouldn't start when he and Mom had to take me to the airport to go back to school, when my mother said "Call Uncle ____ to get a ride" my father threw a screaming temper tantrum (he did not like my uncle, I think he felt less than or jealous or something, he thought Mom's family didn't like him or something, I am still not sure). Dad always did apologize, and he was always there for us, worked hard, and did love us. But there were times when I asked Mom to get away from there. I still react very badly (startle) when anyone yells in anger.

Yes, he did love us - he loved to talk about us to friends, outsiders, etc. We always went to concerts, museums, etc. He was so happy and proud at my PhD graduation ceremony, even though he was having a harder time getting around (especially given that they had to travel to it).
I remember how he was always close to me, missed me when I was away at graduate school in Indiana and then postdoctoral in Pennsylvania. Later when he fell ill and was not doing much other than taping old TV shows, he would talk to me about them and send me videotapes. I remember going home one time and hugging him and realizing that he was getting skinny - it felt like hugging an old man - and I went into a panic.
Then the last two months when I realized he was dying - he was bedridden and in and out of lucidity. He thought that I was still away at grad school - I was right next to the bed (I think he couldn't see at that point) and telling Mom "Tell her we love her, tell her we miss her"

Then at the funeral, the time I really started crying was when I saw a next door neighbor. I thought THIS ISN'T RIGHT! Being at the funeral place like this - we're all supposed to be standing outside my place or the neighbor's place, Mom, Dad, I, neighbor, all talking!

Its said the two most emotionally traumatic experiences a person can go through are divorce and the death of a loved one. From my perspective, thats true. The real measure of a person is how much they can love, not hate.

Marriage isn't really a priority in my relationship of 4+ years. We both feel if you love each other, then why do you need some piece of paper saying you are married and why should you pay a bunch of money for it, etc. We are perfectly content being girlfriend/boyfriend but the bond goes much much deeper. She is my lover, my best friend, and the person I can talk to when I don't want to talk to anyone else....

For laughs, may I present this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddqx_cWUN-g (NSFW - language and dubious taste in clothing)

They aren't the same thing?? They feel the same. When a loved one dies, a part of you feels dead. When you go through a divorce, a part of you feels dead. :[




For some reason, he reminds me of Fred Flinstone.

Fred Flinstone? Now that I come to think of it...

Wow no wonder my ears were burning. Hi cara mia =)

Relationships are awesome, even the bad ones. I say this because no matter how it ends there is always that first passion of the new relationship and how that relationship helped make you the person you are. Even if it ends terribly, you eventually move on.

As for emotional trauma, a divorce doesn't hold a candle to a death. At least I can look up my ex on FaceBook or get intel on him from mutual friends/whatever, but when someone you care about dies it leaves a whole that will never ever be filled.

~spidey

I respectfully disagree. Sometimes failed relationships do way more damage than someone dying.

I love my relationship! The ups, the downs, the inbetweens they make for a helluva journey.

And all of you know what I am thinking

So you really think the cops knew internal affairs was setting them up?

Totally! Also pondering why rubber baby buggies need bumpers.

Oh that? I've learned to take all of that with a large grain of salt.