Greetings all, seeing as i'm new, i guess i should post a bit about me. My name is Luke, and i'm 17 (18 in July) and, i guess you can say "mentally ill" because i suffer from depression, anxiety, self-injury and insomnia all these have been going on for about 10 years, and have lived in the same house, same closed-minded hick town my whole life. Living in this shît-pit i grew up 'diffirent' thus causing me to be an 'outcast' at an early age and learn the harsh realities of the world and learning that people are ignorant and fear what they percieve as 'diffirent' very early. I grew up pretty lonely and knowing only hatred and rejection, with only a couple actual friends. I love art, writting poetry and listening/writting music aswell. As you may have guessed, i spend mostly ALL of my time alone in my room, well, i guess i'm not really alone, i have the voices in my head, (lol, j/k) but truthfully, i always have one or more of my pets with me, growing up being rejected all my life from people has brought me to spending time with animals. They don't pass judgement on your looks, what they judge you on is the true you, they see the kind of person you are inside. I am a pretty emotional guy, i am very in touch with my feelings. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean i'm all weepy and stuff all the time,(only at certain times) i am a very fun-loving guy if with the right people. I like to cause trouble on occasion, i am a pyro-maniac i must admit, and feel i'm a natural born writter/musician. I am also a fairly calm person and not too violent, but when provoked, i will defend myself and show my darkER side and shed the passive sheep skin and reveal my raging demon self. On the topic of Deviant saying he knows how tough it is to be beautiful, well, i don't have that problem (heh) but some of my female friends do, and i've taken some harsh damage for protecting them, i just enjoy helping and protecting the ones close to me, and if it means having to fend off multiple oppenents, so be it, i'll fight till i'm the last one standing. I just cannot stand to see the way most guys treat women, it disgusts me, speaking my mind has gotten me in trouble many times, but i don't care, people shouldn't hold back and start speaking the truth. I currently don't attend high school for certain problems with behavior at school and not getting along with about 90+% of the students. Repeated fights and suspensions have driven my parents to pull me out and i now work toward my G.E.D. Yeah, all you people are really interested in this, hehe, i'm probably boring you by now so i'll stop. You'll find out more about me as time goes on and i post more here.
Till then, here's a poem of mine that you might enjoy. Yes, i know it should be in another topic, but i take a liking to this one and just want to share it here..

I open my eyes,
but i cannot see.
The darkness is strong,
and overpowers me.
I cry out for help,
my calls in vain.
I realize i shall not be saved,
until my demons are slain.
-Powerless

"No amount of physical pain i've endured through life can amount to one days worth of emotional pain i face each day, seeming to never end.. Sorrow is my companion and Rage fuels me, and my sanity is tested and pushed beyond it's limits day by day, I hang on the edge of dementia."

Take care all,
~Luke
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Edited By DeTnemrot on Mar. 05 2002 at 14:40

well, good luck on getting your GED, and I think a lot of us know what it's like to go through alienation and anguish. Jst ask anyone here.

But your true strength is in moving beyond it and not letting it beat you. Make your rage your bitch. Express yourself in the creativity that you get from your rage.

All of us felt ugly at one point or another, but you eventually become a narcissistic fuck like the rest of us and learn that those idiots who made you feel that way in the first place are the ones who are truely ugly.

Hi Luke,

Welcome to the forums and good luck with your GED.

I'm probably going to sound quite silly here, but if things like depression and anxiety and insomnia have been part of your life for 10 years... have you considered seeing your doctor about that? I know several people that have overcome anxiety or depression by way of medication and it has increased their quality of life pretty dramatically.

Good luck.

Lilith

yup.

sometimes the friction in your brain gives you inspiration, even strength.
some days all that is constant is your fucked up mind, and in a weird way i guess, it's a crutch. you are who you are, and you've got to deal w/ what you're dealt with.
anyway, when you're dead, no one will give a fuck who you were or what you went through B)
just really live, i think that's all that matters - 'everyone dies, but not everyone really lives' -mel gibson

-will



Edited By apathi on Mar. 06 2002 at 16:43

Thanks for the encouragement on the GED.

So true. Those fuck-sticks who treated me like shit truely are the ugly ones, especially the ones were made physically ugly by my own hands.

And i do make rage my bitch
I am well in control of my twisted, fucked up mind, and definately use my rage, as well as other emotions as creative fuel. I don't see my fucked up mind as crutch, (though it may be) i see it as a gift. It helps me more than it hurts me.
I express my rage through 1 of 2 ways: emotionally (writting/music) or physically. (fighting/beating the shit outta my closet door)
Either way, i am in control mostly. =:)

I've tried the drugs before, didn't make much diffirence.
A friend of mine hasthe same problem, the meds don't have much effect on her. I stopped with the meds and just started to act as my own therapist, hehe. Sounds kinda funny to say that, but it's worked out alright, i'm able to hold on to my questionable sanity and keep a firm grip on my mind. Though i do have certain times when i lose it and must slowly regain control, but eh, i'm managing for the time being. And as for the self-injury thing, i have around 30 scars on my body, (i've cut a lot more, these are just the ones that scarred over) all on my arms and front torso. Most people think i should be ashamed of the scars, but i'm not. I've recently stopped cutting and so far held out for 2 weeks. I collect weapons (knives, swords, axe, spears, etc) so it's pretty hard to try and stop cutting with all the knives around, but at least i've kept my ground.
Let all the fucked-in-the-head people rejoice!
We are fucked up, and we're proud!
Cheers!(: *) B);P ???

Take care, G'Nite
~Luke
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If you need something that would help you with the self-control and fighting, ever consider Martial Arts? or even something like boxing to be able to take out aggression. Or stuff like fitness/weights. Sometimes being able to distract yourself physically like that is a good, think of it as a different alternative to distracting yourself physically by cutting.

As for the medication, which one were you on? how long for? and did you every try different ones? Some people don't notice results for several weeks or longer, it's not a quick solution.

Anyway, good luck.

Lilith

Well, i was taking the meds like a year ago and don't remember the names, but they told me that they would help me stop being so depressed mainly, and also to help me stop cutting and having suicidal thoughts. I took them for like 2 months and my parents didn't notice a change and decided to stop. Over time i've started to tone down my problems, though i still have occasional suicidal thoughts and am depressed, i can maintain control.

I never though of taking any classes like martial arts, i did box with friends in school though, that was fun, and since it was all in good fun i never got pissed and lost it B)
I'm not really much of a martial arts type of guy, nor am i into boxing much, but boxing was pretty fun. I am a pretty good bare-hand fighter, as well as with various melee weapons, i'm pretty much self-taught, as i am with about everything. I only wish i could have some place to practice, now that would be nice, because i really need to stop punching my wall, hehe :b

Take care all
~Luke
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I know some people who didn't notice effects until after they were on the medication more than 6 or so weeks. Sometimes in can take a while before you notice anything. That said you might consider going to the doctor and explaining that these particular ones didn't seem to be helping and to try a different kind. There's probably more types of anti-depressants than you can shake a stick at.

Martial arts is good because it teaches discipline, which is why I mentioned it. Not just running around karate chopping people. Aside from just the discipline aspect, it, along with boxing would also give you a controlled environment to relieve yourself of some anger/energy. Sometimes working out till the point of physical exhaustion works for some people as a way to distract themselves.

And you wouldn't have to punch the walls

Lilith

Yeah, karate might be good, but i dunno. Sad thing is, i know too many people who would take karate thinking that once they learn it they will be able to kick the shit outta anyone, but thinking like that doesn't get you anywhere with it and they still got their asses kicked but this time, looked like all-out fucking morons TRYING to do karate.
Weights and boxing would be best for me probably, i did weights in school for P.E and it was cool, working out till my muscles hurt and spending the next few days sore is a nice way of distracing myself constructivly and stress reliever, but it's spending those few days sore that's the problem, hehe.
And yes, it's better than punching my wall, hehe (:

Take care all
~Luke
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They never watched THE KARATE KID did they?



Lilith

yeah, you've got to find somewhere to put 'it.' otherwise you lose your overall focus on things. or whatever... ugh


-apathi -too tired-

*laughs lasciviously(?)* he he HE! indeed
=:)

ahem .. sorry .

Deviant - Indeed

No, i bet they saw Karate Kid, it's just that all they remember about it is this: kid meets old oriental dude, old oriental dude teaches kid karate, kid beats up people with karate he learned from old dude and the main thing they remember from Karate Kid is... WAX ON, WAX OFF. lol (: :b

Take care,
~Luke
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Hm, psychology... depression, my forte.

<<Done research papers and all, as well as from age 7 to now (age 19) I deal with it (which is the cause of my interest)

A- What type of drug were you given? It's rare that the first drug prescribed will be perfect- with me I was lucky, 'cause they prescribed Zoloft, 50MG, which worked but not the best. Boosted to 100MG it helped alot.

Little bit 'bout me (before I go into long sermon (j/k))- I'm 19 and one of my earliest memories is of when I was seven. I remember little of my youth, but this sticks out: seven years old, crying, and wanting to kill myself. And ready to do it. I was outcast as a kid, always a little nerdy and scrawny, but I had alot of bottled up anger- when I fought I was insane (still am when pushed far enough). Went through elementary school with only one real friend. In Sixth and Seventh grade I fought alot more- parents divorced and with typical childish cruelty kids would ask, "Hey, Dave. Where's you dad?" and I'd flip and get into fights. Giving them just what they wanted, to see me mad.

I bottled it up when I got into Eight Grade. We mo ed out to a better area, better school, etc. But I was still a loner, too insecure after years of being outcast to start talking to people (which I really
regret. I've come to learn that I didn't have to be that way). I made a few friends, two of them whom I view to be brothers if not in blood in spirit, during that time.

Ninth grade was hell- pick on the quiet, shy kid stuff. 10 th grade a little fucked, not too much so.
11th grade not too bad. Shit hit the fan in the twelfth grade. Throughout all this I wanted to die,
constantly. I've been diagnosed both Hypersomniac and Insomniac- one night I sleep 3 hrs, another night 20 (and I've done it). I slept 10 to 15 hours a night, sometimes topping it at 18 to 20. Every day I thought about death.

I knew it wasn't right, but I didn't go get help. I started talking to a psychologist in 12th grade, last part of the year, around March of 2000. But I'd bottled it up too long. July Fourth, 2000. The shit hit the fan. I wrote some shit to vent (at the psychologists suggestion, ironically). It involved my parents and a blow-torch. I got creative. They found it. That was five days before July 4th.

July 3rd I was taken to the hospital to get an eval. I was told either I signed myself in, or me and my parents would be deemed incompetent and I'd be signed in anyway. Catch 22, 'eh?

Went to a mental hospital. Saw shit that was fucked up. Got out, was put on Zoloft. Did decent on it, but the stress of school got to me and I backslid. They put me 100 mg Zoloft.

I stopped taking it a year ago. And I've been doing damn fine. I was able to write creatively while on the medicine- it didn't zombify me. At the point of hospitalization I was cutting daily (like you I collect medieval weapons ). Haven't cut for probably a year and a half.

So, it 'tis possible. I can vouch for that. Sometimes the first drug isn't right for the problem, so you do have to expect to go through several variations. I know others who've gone through the same and, like I, are doing good

To answer your question, truthfully, i can't remember what drug i was on, my parents just didn't see a change and decided not to do it anymore, but i'm doing alright off it, still really fucked, but i got it under control, lol.
Damn, i spent most of my youth wanting to die, thinking what it would be like, how it would affect others, what would happen, would anyone care, etc. I was a scared, cowardly child, always picked on, never fought back, but when i got older i realized that i didn't have to take it anymore and i let loose all the bottled up rage i carried ever since i was 6 (when i started 1st grade, i never went to kindergarden) and went crazy, and i could easily fend for myself, fought a lot still, but at least most would learn their lesson and not try it again. I've been doing alright for the most part, i'm taking an interest in psychology (though i don't really want to take it up as a profession, it's just something i'm interested in) and currently reading a book titled "Genetics of Mental Disease", it's an interesting book, i've learned a bit already and only am on the 10th page, hehe. I have a few friends, still more than before at least, but still, not many.
I love midieval weapons, i've been interested since i was young, and i despised guns, still do, i just hate the fact that someone could end a fight with a simple squeeze of a trigger, i enjoy actually fighting it out and relying on your skill rather than a little gun that could end a fight in less than a second. Even in school when i didn't lose total control i savored the fight, i toyed with them for as long as i could, i had fun with my opponent. :b
It's hard to do that for very long when campus security is rushing straight for you in a minute or you're getting rushed by more than one person, even then, multiple opponents made it more enjoyable, hehe. =:)
I've always been an outcast, i've had only 2 girlfriends, one lasted a week, the other lasted 3 days (wow) the first though was because we were better off as friends, the second, well, she was a bitch, lol. I've been hit on by cheerleaders/cheerleader types and gang-bangers, no thank you, not my type. Most are frightened or repulsed by my "Goth look" so it amased me that those types would show any interest in me, oh well, surprised me.
Shit, i've slept for 20 hours before, it's wierd. I either sleep too long or too short or not at all. Z) Z)
A mental hospital, damn, that's messed up.
I have not cut in about a month or so, i can confidently carry my kinves/knife without thinking of cutting too much, still have the urge, but i'm trying. Since i don't really use my swords or axes or whatever to cut, i don't see them as cutting tools as much as i do my knives since i used them a lot more than the others. Must be wierd to see someone slicing their arm with a katana or stabbing themselves with a halberd, eck, too much info, you people don;t need to know that, heh. In the end, i wish i knew someone like you I.Am.Obsolete when i was in school, woulda had someone i could talk to and relate with, probably would have made it a bit more enjoyable and easier to deal with. (:
Anyways...

Take care & G'nite,
~Luke
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