My ex and I would have been together for 2 years this month.
Honestly the most amazing guy ever

He broke up with me at the beginning of September, saying he couldn't take my bitchiness, especially because of the stress that I was under (17 credit hours for school and working 8 hours a day all week)

He said that we're still 'best friends' but since he broke up with me, he hasn't talked to me or even looked at me. There are others who are interested in me, but I don't want a relationship unless it's with Alex

Everytime we argued, whether it was something small or a couple bigger fights, both of us used to turn it so it was my fault for whatever was wrong. Even if it was his fault.

Obviously having someone that I'm in love with dump me doesn't help my depression any. I've had chest pains and I've been crying and pissed and I can't focus on anything. I'd love to talk to him, but I don't want to make him feel guilty. I know that he can do better than me.

It's just not fair to him that I expect him to be with me when I'm obviously a bitch to him, but 98% of the time, it was great. I've had one friend tell me that "He's right for you, you're just not right for him." She went on to tell me about how I seemed happier and less pessimistic. I WAS happier. Even when we were fighting.
I'll be happy for him, whatever he wants to do, but it's hard when I feel rejected, ignored and replaced.


Sorry for the emoness....

Thank you Midi for your kind words



I think people don't always realise that the "morous" part of the word means "love", not "fucking"

It's not something I personally could do (or accept in my own relationship), but at the same time, love is more than that...this is why I could never hate gay people or bi people etc when others might...how can you hate some because of love?



I know Midi already added her 2 cents, so here's me britishy penny equivalent

Truth be told, if you go into an LDR thinking "this won't work"...it simply won't. Too many people enter LDRs with a very negative mind set, and within months, everything crumbles. On the whole, an LDR is no different to any other relationship, in the sense that it requires the exact same elements as any other (communication, trust, support), but the difference actually lies in how much effort is put into it.

Of course, when you really love someone- someone you wanna marry/have their babies/take home to your parents/grow old watching cartoons in your pyjamas with etc- you will automatically put that effort in regardless. You just might not appreciate your own efforts until a problem comes along...or if your partner needs to move away.

I have friends who, truth be told, suck at relationships. They speak of being in love, but really, they are in love with the idea of being in love. It may sound like I'm just turning my nose up at them because my relationship is LD and theirs isn't, no, I'm not saying that at all. One of my school friends recently got married. Thats real. My friend who cheats on her "baby daddy" and claims she loved the guy she was having an affair with last year...sorry but she has NO idea what love (romantically) really is. So when my friends who are a little bit immature and struggle to make even regular relationships last try entering into an LDR (no doubt thinking "Blackavar has been doing it for 6 years, it must be easy!"), it dissolves normally within months...if not weeks.

Of course, that isn't to say that you won't have problems even if your relationship is real. You will. All relationships will have them. What LDRs do really is exaggerate everything, so there is more effort required for problems that are bigger than usual. It can be very hard work.

But that us exactly why they are so rewarding. Everytime I have a bad time, I think "maybe I will end this." I don't of course. But then next time I'm with Harry, I realise how much it was all worth it I always know how much I want to stay with him when it feels like my heart is being pulled out when I have to leave at the airport...I know how well rewarded we are for our hardwork when we glomp each other when we find each other in baggage claim

So its really down the exact same things as before. You must trust them. You must communicate. Although you probably shouldn't talk EVERY day, because thats a very good way to get on each other's nerves; there is nothing wrong with having a break from one another. And something I would definately say to people in LDRs is, when you do meet up, do not attach yourselves at the hip. You'll be clawing each other's eyes out in a week. You WILL need space. You won't realise it as quickly as others, but because you will be more used to your space than other couples, you will need to be more vigilant in having a breather when you start to feel wound up. I think even regular couples ought to do this too, but it more obvious when you're cooped up in the same room for three weeks ^^;;

The lack of snuggles sucks ; ____ ; My teddy bear Tommy takes Harry's place often. I will say "ok, I'm gonna hug you now" when I'm on the phone and hug Tommy in his place. I do not molest Tommy though, that is a crime against teddy bears O.O. We make up for the many huggles of course when we meet up, but it does suck, I won't lie. And of course, when being intimate...you may well have to consider an instant messenger or the phone. Its not great, but its better than nothing.

Trust may sound difficult, but one way I looked at it was this; while its true that Harry COULD be cheating on me and I don't know it...the same thing works in reverse. I could well be cheating on Harry! I'm not of course. But when you realise that YOU are being trusted...well, I personally think that makes me feel proud in a weird sort of way. That someone values me in that sort of way. And of course, if you are able to phone one another on mobile phones (which I can do), its a good way to reassure your partner. Harry might fret if I'm going to the goth club. So I give him a quick call on my mobile when I'm coming home, and then ring him again when I get in. Of course, as with other relationships, its not so good if you phone them up constantly to check up on them O.O

Sorry if that was a bit garbled and waffly, just sort of writing what comes straight to mind ^^;;

Midi, I appriciate the honorable mention at the start of the thread. I hope that you and Glenn are as happy when you are finally together as you are right now.

Pagan, you jumped in pretty quick, hun. I'm sorry it didn't work out, but it's probably better this way. Now you can drink, play pool and hang out with the guys and there's no one to make you sleep on the couch. *HUGZ*

Honestly, my marriage has had some pretty rough patches for not dissimilar reasons to Bfly's. Except I was the one pulling the bullshit. I'm pretty happy with where we're at, right now. We've both grown up and matured a bit since we got together. The past few years have been great with a few small snags.

Apparently....LDR are quite common here.
I've been in one, and the guy actually asked me to marry him

Two weeks later, he breaks up with me because his family iddn't think it was right that he's dating a girl that was older and who was already in college and he hadn't even finished high school

We still remain friends, although he wants to get back together with me since Alex and I aren't together.

Trust, communicatoin, and being compatable with each other is basically the foundation of any committed relationship, and especially with LDRs

As for polyamory....I don't particularly like it, because it kind of feels like cheating. However, if everyone that you have a relationship knows about what's going on, and they're all consenting and approving, then by all means, GO FOR IT!

I'm not going to sit here and condone/condemn relationship choices. I'm giving my opinion, and I do not meand to offend anyone, by any means. MonsieurViktor, from what I've read you're a very great person, and I wish you all the best in your relationships.

My relationship experiences have been quite limitied actually.
My first bf and I were together for almost a year and a half, Alex and I were together for almost two years, and I had a month long LDR.

However, I will always be happy to help anyone. I'm sorry I couldn't contribute nothing useful.

That really sucks, Carpe. I remember I had a relationship while in high-school that I thought was wonderful, then we broke up with the 'we're still friends' speech. Rarely, from my experience, do things ever go back to the way it was.

On the other hand, another relationship I was in gave amazing results. We met in the 6th grade. We dated off and on over the next two years. The thing is, Chris and I were amazing friends. When we were together we could light up a room (still can). Because of the strong connection between him and I we always tried to take it deeper, but it left us both feeling awkward, then we'd split up and we'd be better than ever before.

During this time Chris was questioning his sexuality and finally, after the last time we broke up, stopped calling himself bi-sexual and finally admitted to just being gay. its been about 10 years now since we met and he is still as dear to me as ever and we are still-to this day- good friends. Him and I are just one of those cases were a girl and a guy can be best friends and not want anything to do with each other sexually.

BY THE WAY:

One huge pet peeve of mind concerning relationships is when one person always twists the truth to the point it is ALWAYS the other person's fault. My ex could do something right in front of you then swear up and down he did not do it, and literally be able to convince you that you were seeing things that that it's all in your head (yes, he is that good at lying).

He caused me to constantly doubt myself to the point I could barely make a decision without his say so. He could twist every truth and convince you of practically any lie. You lived in the world he wanted you to live in and i became completely entranced by him and all that he told me and promised me.

However, sooner or later reality sets in, you realize the type of person that are and see through brown eyes more clearly. Sadly, even after I seen what was happening, I could rarely even tell his truth from fiction (i sometimes wonder if he is so convincing because he actually believes his own lies).

Only after I was disillusioned was i able to see all that had happened and what had become of me and when I changed that he didn't like it, which is when he kicked the controlling behavior and trying to convince me i'm wrong into hyper drive- though to this day he still denies it and will now admit to being in the wrong. However, now (even if he is telling the truth or not- I can seldom tell) it simply no longer matters. He killed all the trust I once had in him and now since that is gone, I have no desire to try again, only to move on. Which I am doing.

Blackavar : Wonderfully said, really, I loved your post!!!!

Wolfmammy: Thanks, so do I! It is great to hear you were able to work through the problems and grow together. I think small snags are to be expected in relationships, its just a matter of how you handle it. However, though rogue waves, you really need to look out for!

Midi, are you just doing straight psychology, or are you gonna be a relationship counselor?

From what I've read, you sound like you're off to a great start.

Actually, because of my upcoming divorce, I did not feel I;d be qualified to help other couples with their marriages when I cannot even help myself with my own (nor do I want to).

However, in my psychology class last week (A sexuality class), I did have to give advice for couples using the five senses as well as other advice. I'll post it here for your torture and enjoyment!

Quick Fact: According to The Doctors (tv show featuring real doctors) couples who have sex on average of about 2-3 times per week live LONGER than couples who do not.

As for how the senses work to help increase interest:

Sight:

Both: When people marry, especially us ladies, we tend to stop dress up and wearing the make-up. We sometimes even gain weight and throw body image to the wind. Gentlemen do it to! So to both people, stay looking good. Keep up with personal hygiene and appearance- both psychically and in what you wear.

TURN IT UP: Of course, discuss with your partner first, but maybe you might like to watch some type of porn or erotica before, during, or after sex play. NOTE: Porn is not for everyone and any couple who wants to watch it, should discuss it first, leaving nothing unspoken so that everything is out in the open. If you trust your partner and are confident in the relationship, then I do not see porn being such a bad thing. Sometimes a person just needs an extra boost. Watching other people have sex (as primitive as that sounds) can really act as a major turn on to get a person in the mood- for a woman as well as a man. I watch porn and am in no way ashamed of the fact. I like it, plain and simple. The sounds, and overall visuals are a just a good way to really fall into the sexual state of mind- for those who are comfortable doing so. Not everyone is. It really just depends on you and your willingness to explore other options. It should also be noted that if porn is watched, it should be watched together, in my humble opinion.

Sound

Woo them with words. People tend to lose their knack at conversation after being together for a while. They run out of things to talk about of simply forget to communicate. All to easily you can become to strangers living in the same houses and sleeping in the same bed. I do not know about you, but I do not think a great many of us love sleeping with strangers!

Ladies: Talk to your gentleman. Never be afraid to tell him how you feel, especially in the bedroom. Gentlemen: Likewise. Talking your lady how you feel is not weakness, and how she responds might surprise you. Both: Never stop talking and comminuting. It is vital.

TURN IT UP: How about some music? Depending on your tastes, try some music to put you in the mood. I know I love to listen to VNV Nation "Cold (remix)"- though in all honestly its just a great song period. Any type of music you like would suffice be it jazz, romantic, classical, pop, rock, metal, folk, electronica (EBM), etc...Also do not be afraid to talk dirty or be more vocal in the bedroom, though i would recommend talking to your lady or your gentlemen about it first to avoid discomfort during sex should one not like such talk.

Smell:

What type of smells do you like? Well, use them! Ladies, wear perfume if you and your gentleman like it. Buy insence that increase the mood. Use food in your sex play if you wish to. Smell can be very powerful. Of course, do what you can to avoid the bad smells. As in keep your teeth brushed and your body clean!

TURN IT UP: Try to have certain scents you like fill the room during sex play.

Taste:

Again, the use of food can be fun in bed. Whipped topping, chocolate syrup, etc...Do not be afraid to talk and experiment with your lady or gentlemen. Cooking together can also be a great and fun way to re-connect and have a good time.

TURN IT UP:[/u Also, always try to keep your breath fresh and your mouth clean. Things such as the taste of cigarette smoke or food in someone's mouth can usually be a turn off to your lady or gentlemen.

Touch:

Let us face it, we are social creatures. Touch is a great way to show you care. Now, hold your thoughts so I can say this. Not all touches must be sexual. Know your lady or your gentleman. Know when touching is appropriate or when it is not. Do not be demeaning in how you touch and never do it to prove a point or show off to others. Remember that not all touching needs to lead to sex. Holding hands, embraces, even bath time, can be great ways to connect without it having to always lead to other things. If you touch with the expectation of having sex every time, it can cause your partner to feel anxiety. So touch more than just when you want to have sex, and make it affectionate- not just sexual.

[u]TURN IT UP: experiment with objects in the bedroom, such as a large feather. Turning off the lights (blindfold, pitch black room, eyes closed etc..) and using touch is a great way to heighten pleasure.

:::::EXTRA NOTES::::::

1. Schedules: I have heard this advice given a thousand times and most who try it, swear by it. Ladies, I know you probably want your sex to be sudden, but let's face it- most things aren't. If you put sex on a schedule and stick to it you will soon find your times together greatly more enjoyable! not only are you being 'classically conditioned' so to speak to expect sex at certain time, causing your body to respond to the anticipation, but it can really help with bonding and other areas as well. That is not saying you cannot have spontaneous sex, but that if you put it on a schedule, as well as openly communicate with your partner then you might find sex a much better experience that first thought.

2. Date Night: Yes, a date night. IF you get so caught up in the day to day and family etc, how do you ever find the time to be a couple? You ned to make time for yourselves, period. You don't have to spend money, but do something together- alone, even if it is playing a game after the kids go to bed and having a romantic candlelit dinner on the floor. If you must do things with your kids then Go to the park. The park is not only a great way to play with the kids, but to play, tease, and have fun with your partner as well, even act like kids yourself.

Family Game Night: Pay attention to your partner during this time. I think you can learn a lot about a person by observing them.

Family Dissusion night: This is what I want to have in my family. Once a week (or month) the entire family sits down and discusses a debatable topic (example: Whose responsibilty is it to control school bullying, the students, the parent or the bully, the parent of the victim, or the school). This can spark a wide range of topics and conversations. Listen closely and do not just simply partake. The more you listen you more you learn from what is being said and the more likely you are to understand those around you. Also, never be afraid to disagree, but also know when to agree to disagree.

Now, The best advice i can give for date night with children is to do it after the kids go to bed. Read to each other, cook a nice romantic 'snack'. Candle light sitdowns. If you find a lack of things to say then make a game of writing out lists of things to talk about it. give the lists a theme. For example: List: funny Things to Talk about: Hippos, Jokes, Road Signs, etc... Even watching a nice movie together can be intimate. After the movie, I believe a couple can go a long way in discussing the movie (not just watch and forget) as it gives you insight into your partner as well as likes and dislikes. This may sound childish but play hide and seek with your partner. If nothing else, it will get you both some laughs. For religious couples, praying and devotion is a great way to spend time together.

Also, going out for a bite to eat is great, but nothing compares to a home cooked meal prepared by you and your partner. Without the children would be best, as it really allows you a chance to get out of the house. Go for a walk, even if it is just around your neighborhood. Excerise together. Seriously, exercise is a great way to kick off the body and boost energy, which could help how you view things- some couples ever do daily runs together. Going to the beach (if you live by one) is my favorite. Jumping the waves together was something I loved to do with my husband when we were together. Go fishing, bike-riding, or just about anything you like to do. I know most places have a free museum night. Go there and look at the art together. Anything to bring you closer.

3. Alone Time: Just as every couple needs time to be a couple, people also need time to be an individual. Never be afraid to do things alone and be your own person. Crave time out for yourself!

4. Fireproof: I once seen a movie, and though I did not agree with it's general message, I did agree with its general basics about marriage. It is a christian movie called Fireproof, which i'd recommend to anyone. Though I will be the first person to admit I hate the christian theme of it, there is no denying how correct the movie tends to be and anyone of any religion or lack of religion) can enjoy it if they can get past the christian 'save your soul, you only know how to love by loving god first' message. It talks about a couple who is going to get a divorce but one makes an effort to turn it around.

IT makes wonderful points on communication and the little things (compliments, helping, gestures of love, and most importantly- communication). In the movie it said that you should look at marriage like a degree. If dating and marriage are like getting a high school diploma, you should continue that direction of learning until you obtain your other degrees as well. Since you are both always growing, it is foolish to think that you stop growing after marriage. You will grow, but you need to grow together- not apart. Keeping that communication open and continue learning about each other is a great way to keep your interest.

5. No Stress Zone: Make your bed to be a no stress zone. Just like work- leave your problems at the threshold. No stress, anger, anxiety, self-consciousness (of lack thereof), troubles, worries, etc... should be allowed on your bed with you and your lady or gentlemen. Make the bed a place of comfort, relaxation, and enjoyment only.

6. Experiment and Have Fun: Never be afraid to experiment. Always talk to your lady or gentlemen first before any experimentation though. Remember curiosity and growth in bed should be normal so if you find you both want to try new things (including BDSM and other things), then go for it. Also, try not to be self-conscience and have your esteem brow beat you down. Just have fun. Sex should be fun.

7. Romance: Cringe, right? Wrong! Send little love note, pick flowers, anything to show you care. I read once of a lady and gentleman (chicken soup book) that use to leave sticky notes to each other telling the other of their affection, love and dedication. Once the lady even left a sticky note on the underside of the toilet seat lid with the words ‘I love you’ on it. Leave them in unexpected places for your lady or gentleman to find. Make it a game. Also, never be afraid to say, or stop saying, I love you, in any way shape or manner suitable to your knowledge of the person you are with.

Overall, only you can know your partner and what both of you like and enjoy. At the end of the day- you just have to do what is comfortable for the both of you (or all of you if in a plural relationship)!

Two bits of advice that have stood me in good stead:

1: Any relationship worth having ends in tears, one way or the other.

2: Trust is knowing that somebody probably will hurt you, but choosing to act as if they won't.

It's easy to hate people who have what you don't.

Here's a quote from a book that I highly reccomend:
"How can anyone be afraid of love?"

"How can they not? When you love someone... truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them. You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt-you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. And when they do strike, it's crippling-like having your heart carved out. It leaves you naked and exposed, wondering what you did to make them want to hurt you so badly when all you did was love them. What is so wrong with you that no one can keep faith with you? That no one can love you? To have it happen once is bad enough... but to have it repeated? Who in their right mind would not be terrified of that?"--Devil May Cry: Sherrilyn Kenyon

Boy, I know that one! *HUGZ*

1) If more sex makes you live longer, then I'm doomed to die at a very young age.

2) I don't even know if I remember what it's like to be in a romantic relationship.

3) In terms of non-romantic relationships, I guess you could say that's where I am. Been friends with Josh online five years this past July, and in person it will be five years this coming New Years Day. There was some attraction but unfortunately, the distance was something he couldn't handle. However, that did not make my 'spark' go away, it actually intensified it. Needless to say, for a few years, our friendship was a rocky one.

Now we're at the point we are just so comfortable with each other. We literally talk about everything and anything. I don't think anything is taboo. Ok, he doesn't like to talk about girly issues (such as visiting "friends"). Which is fine with me as I don't worry about that anymore!

But I digress. Josh means the world to me. One day, I'd like to be in a relationship, and see him be in one. People are amazed that we are not together. Seriously, they are. There is just this, well, synergy (hopefully the right word) between us that I just don't have with others. I often wonder if I ever will! I've certainly had sexual attraction with others (oh boy was it there) but really nothing more than that.

To all the couples here that met here - that is just awesome. It goes to show that love and everything else has no boundaries, no borders. As I said to Harpy, "in the area" pretty much has new meaning these days. It has more of a virtual meaning, and if you spend your time here (or any other online venue), then that is "in the area". So, there are a lot of people in the area here that have come together (not that way, pervs ), even though physically they may be miles apart. I think it's just great that people have proven time and time again that physical distance isn't a reason to sacrifice what could be (and is) a great relationship.

I'm not a perv, you are the one that worded it that way!

I really appreciated the info on the club ettiqutte thread. What about relationships in the gothic community? What types of dating ettiqutte are pretty common in the subculture? With my last realtionship, LOL my ex boyfriend had a rule about always leaving the toilet lid down! I have been in several relationships and have learned quite a bit within the last 3 years of being a part of the community. Keep on hoping that someday, I will meet a guy in Portland club scene that will sweep me off my feet! Be willing to travel out to Stayton to see me. Which is only 45 min (South) from downtown Portland. (No complaining about long distance!) If someone really loves you they won't complain about that sort of thing

Listening to DYM~Neuworldbrave right now. Thank god for I Tunes!

MonsieurViktor: What's it like being in a polyamorous relationship? I've always wondered! Any jealousy, things like that? It sounds interesting!
Midieval: Thanks for the awesome advice! I reckon now I'll just give it a shot, and tell my parents about it ONLY if it lasts over a month
Minnie: Thank you also for the awesome advice (Does saying "Awesome" make me sound to teen-is? ) What sort of alarm bells are you referring o though? Uness you don't wanna tlak about them that's cool
Carpe: Awww that's so sad! Don't worry with my one boyfriend ever, he was a totally different person BOTH times we broke up. In the couple of weeks that followed I concluded I didn't want him, I wanted who he used to be. Maybe it's a bit awkward for him (Alex) and he doesn't know how to start conversation? Sometimes the most amazing boyfriend/friend ISN'T the most amazing ex which is really sad...
Blackavar: Also wonderful advice! Thanks you very muchly!

I've decided to give it a try, but my first/last relationship failed due to lack of ground rules and honesty. So therefore as it is online, I believe we (Mitchell and I) do need to set some guidelines like: "NO sex talk for a while".

A short note: With my ex, he was very colourful. Red, green, blue or maybe black occasionally (we both went out together once BOTH in black skinnies lol), white hoodie with some random monkeys on it, and his BRIGHT ORANGE/RED hair. I walked beside him, holding his hand with all black on most of the time with my black hair. Apparently it was cute seeing how different we looked, we were both different, just different kinds of different, and HE was opposed to guys wearing make up which was sad But apparently we were quite a sight walking the streets together...

One big concern I have for the future is about healthy lifestyle (does one partner/spouse/whatever eat healthier than the other, exercise more, etc). What would happen if these caused conflict "Well, I won't eat this rabbit food" "I'm trying to keep us both healthy" "Who do you think you are, my mother? I'll eat what I want" etc. My mother was and still is concerned about eating a nutritious diet, while my father wanted to eat deli/desserts/snacks that were not healthy (he would eat foods that were good for him as well) but I remember some real conflicts. I think my mother could sound preachy at times, and my father didn't like that bit (he would say to me on occasion that he wanted to do better), but still...I remember that Dad's doctor (and Mom too) was after him on his salt intake. Plus Dad hated to eat fish unless it was fried.

I want both of us to be healthy but I don't want to get preachy/naggy about it and get into fights (Dad and Mom occasionally did - I shudder to remember what it was like when the doctor thought Dad had a heart problem [turns out he didn't, but they didn't know until they did an angiogram] and Dad got put on a diet. He complained "Can't eat this, can't eat that" and yelled at my mom).

And no, I am not austere either - I like sweets and other treats[1] as well...

[1] ducks in anticipation of smart remarks