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A poem in the rough from Buffalo - work in progress
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Cania  Joined: April 2003 Posts: 1561 Location: Near Seattle Gender: 
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 It's been a while since my creativitity has had a spark to flow. I recently jotted some words and have been working them here and there. Not sure of the title but why not.
Compozitor Ink stained paper Finger caressed string. Can you hear my voice, Inspiration echoing? Sorrow drenched skin Hollow empty gaze. Can you see my presence Amongst writhing flesh maze? Love carries me to apex Amorous allure its call. Can you feel the heartbeat, Stentorian as we fall? Hatred ripped from headlines Razors edge slicing soul. Can you taste my blood Keeping warm the coal? Joy cascades perpetual Ecstasy a gasp away. Can you smell the sunlight Amid the dancing fey? The curtain forced upon us Resonanting remnants of the score. Will you fear the hunger Lusting for an encore? _________________ 'Don't you know there ain't no devil, there is just God when he's drunk.'T.Waits 'If life gives you lemons, find the person whose life gave them vodka.'R.White 'The writing is the stitching that keeps me from exploding' H.Rollins |
| Thu Jul 05, 2007 3:38 pm |
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Stygia  Joined: February 2006 Posts: 102 Location: Dundee, Scotland Gender: 
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*Blinks*
This is really nice, I can tell it is rough but whole at the same time. I'm more then interested in seeing how it develops. Quote: Ink stained paper Finger caressed string. Can you hear my voice, Inspiration echoing? I especially like this stanza, it reminds me of a character that happens to be making a pest of herself in my head at the moment. _________________ There is a vast difference between the man who is wise and cynical and the man who acts like Scrooge with a lemon up his bum. Which are you? 
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| Mon Sep 10, 2007 3:59 am |
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Cania Joined: April 2003 Posts: 1561 Location: Near Seattle Gender:
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Thanks.
The vision I am attempting to achieve is a complex life, music, art, poetry journey. I believe I conduct a huge jump from the first to the second verse. Verse 3, 4 and 5 speak to the emotional high and low. Verse 2 is to give the physical reference of a dance or pit. The reader is set in the crowd viewing the orchestration. I enjoy the opening and closing verse. They both accomplish what I desire for visual and sensual aspects. I think the largest hurdle is transitioning from the opening to the body and arranging the body to revolve more around emotional, physical, spiritual. The current patterning seems to be more a a train station ("now arriving at emotional state. The trainin will leave for Spiritual in 2 minutes.") pattern. I need better placement to achieve the restrained choas I desire in the body to make the last verse more potent. _________________ 'Don't you know there ain't no devil, there is just God when he's drunk.'T.Waits 'If life gives you lemons, find the person whose life gave them vodka.'R.White 'The writing is the stitching that keeps me from exploding' H.Rollins |
| Wed Sep 19, 2007 4:18 am |
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Stygia  Joined: April 2007 Posts: 110 Location: lexington, ky Gender:
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Thats really good! Much better than any of mine >.<
_________________ I have a syndrome that causes me to hit the enter key before I think, so go screw yourself. Wait, that came out wrong. Pics of me, if anyone wants to see the face behind the dementia. Check out my website. Do it, do it now. |
| Sun Sep 30, 2007 5:02 am |
 
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Phlegethos  Joined: October 2006 Posts: 52 Location: Aylesbury Gender: 
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Are you sure that this is in the rough it seems too good to be in the rough. i like the poem, although i am not usualy a fan of poems that rhyme i prefer open verse. however everyone has their own style of writng.
_________________ "The days have never been when thou couldst love me-but her whom in life thou didst abhor, in death thou shalt adore" Morella - Edgar Allan Poe |
| Wed Oct 24, 2007 6:03 am |
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Cania Joined: April 2003 Posts: 1561 Location: Near Seattle Gender:
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Yes. This is the first version written after the swirling brain storm of jotted down bits. The rhyme always assist me in setting a rhythm and it gives me bounds when I am trying to focus the writing.
_________________ 'Don't you know there ain't no devil, there is just God when he's drunk.'T.Waits 'If life gives you lemons, find the person whose life gave them vodka.'R.White 'The writing is the stitching that keeps me from exploding' H.Rollins |
| Wed Oct 24, 2007 2:55 pm |
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