Okay, I saw this movie Tuesday at a screening. Remember how bad Underworld was? Van Helsing wishes it were ONLY that bad. It is quite possibly one of the worst movies I have ever seen. EVER. All of you who plan to see it--don't. At the very least, wait until it comes to the dollar theatres.

First off, the acting is horrendous. I mean, it's embarrassing sometimes it's so bad. You would expect at least good performances from Beckinsale and Jackman, but they don't deliver (then again, they don't have much to work with). Beckinsale attempts a Romanian accent which is not only pretty phony but also fairly annoying. Jackman seems to be just going through the motions.

The character development is nearly non-existent. All the characters fall into tired old roles--Van Helsing, the hero, whatever Beckinsale's character's name was, the female semi-hero who also has to be rescued a lot, and that friar dude, the unfunny comic relief sidekick.

As you might expect, the movie is very, very, very predictable. No surprise there. Heh. Puns...

The CGI is shit. I mean total shit. And they used it as much as possible. This is just seriously bad CGI. I couldn't believe how terrible it is. Mr. Hyde looks like a cross between a gorilla and the Hulk generated on a Nintendo 64. The female vampires look like...I don't even know. They're awful-looking, and so fake I couldn't take them seriously. Frankenstein's monster actually looked semi-decent. The other huge amounts of CGi were bad. Just...so bad. The horses that jump over this one pit are pitiful-looking.

More on the female vampires: these are the most annoying villains ever. Hell, the most annoying CGI characters ever. I'd take Jar Jar Binks over them any day. At least Jar Jar didn't stand around moaning and moving his arms in superfluous, ridiculous ways, hissing and flying and being irritating. I hated the vampires. I would have laughed at them but they made me want to cry because they were so pathetic and annoying. I HATE this movie, I hate it so much!

Dracula sucked. "Worst...Dracula...ever." I mean, seriously, who the hell decided that was Dracula? More like, Count Butt-Pirate Dracula or something. I hate his earring.

The wolfmen suck too. The CGI used on them is pretty bad, and their anatomy is nigh impossible.

I realize this review probably doesn't make a lot of sense anymore. It's just that it sucks so much. I hate this movie with a passion. I mean, I really, really, really DESPISE this film. I wish it had never been made. I want everyone stupid enough to involve themselves with it to never find work again. This is the worst movie I've ever seen. If I had to give it a rating out of 5 stars I'd give it 0 stars and then demand the studio owes ME stars for the generous rating.

What the hell is the deal with making Hyde a fucking aryan hulk!|
He was a little bitty twisted old man! I think the book even said he was closer to five feet tall. Our concept of what is scary is really degrading...

While I liked the actor they found to play Dracula... I did not like the big fanged winged cookie-monster thing that is later superimposed on him.

While I like Hugh Jackman...He's not what I imagined Abraham Van Helsing. Stoker should rise up and haunt the overpayed screenwriting fuck that had Van Helsing GO AFTER SOMETHING FROM A MARY SHELLY's BOOK AND A BAD LON CHANEY MOVIE!

For the record I never went to see Underworld!

-Sinister

No such thing, my friend. No such thing . . .

Well I didn't really mean it...I was just caught in the passion of pure critical hatred.

-Sinister

Trag, I love you man!

~spider, who is still laughing aloud.....

I thank you, blckencht, for acknowledging the warning I gave to you all months ago about this movie.

Well, it will be just like Underworld for me (though if anything that movie seemed more promising), I may see it eventually, but I'm in no hurry. I await your further opinions on the finished product.

Thine for eternity,
Seraphim

Oh. I see. Butt-Pirate.
What a great description.

People both gay and straight across the world applaud your support, your impeccable use of the English language, and your favorable comparison that stands on level with the intellect of a very mature 7-year-old.




~blood rose~

Ah Ms. Rose, still doing what you can to keep this forum from looking like so many others on the web, I see.

Hyde wasn't specifically supposed to be scary though. He kind of plays into that Victorian concept of evolutionary degeneration.
He's short ugly, primitive, hairy, ugly, physically strong, etc..etc..

No the character probably wasn't geared for fright when Robert Louis Stevenson wrote it, but I find a creepy little hairy evil man...much more frightening and interesting then the eight foot brute that they always depict.

And lets face it, the older the literature, the less faithful hollywood is to it.

Anyway I digressed.

-Sinister

How am I going to get out of this now!!!?! My mum just told me this morning that I'm taking my lil sis to see it tomorrow night! X) I'm doomed!

They've been whoring the Van Helsing video game (with shitty graphics) on TV alot lately. The commercial alternates between video game graphics and movie footage. I sat through that commercial about four times before I figured that out.

It doesn't look like my kind of thing. I hope it's good, lokks like an action movie; give me an Hammer Film, Lucio or Dario's stuff instead!

I'm downloading it off a system called Lime Wire, its kinda like kazaa but without spam

The movie is an example of bad-collage filmmaking. Let's throw in as many references to other people's works as we can and make a weak movie that can't stand on its own if it tried. Where's the originality? Where's the work put into it by the production team? Nowhere to be found. It just plays off of other people's success, other people's work, and tries to look original. No matter how many high-tech visuals there are, the weak film shines through anyway. As Shakespeare would have said, "Shit by any other name would still smell like shit."

Likewise, what, the ending is revealed before Dracula makes his big move. Then we, as the audience, feel safe. Nothing bad is going to happen, nothing. Everything will be fine. Happy days, people!

The only thing worth watching is Kate Beckinsale. Not just because she's attractive, but because she'll one hell of an actress. She takes stupid dialogue and at least makes it sound interesting. I'm anticipating a better film starring her before long.